Writing as Recovery

To all my creative types, do you see your work as recovery? Would you still see your work as recovery if it was your work that caused you to become…hurt in the first place?

I guess this is where I have to be a little more open and vulnerable. I had a nervous breakdown a few months ago. I shut down and stopped caring about school, work, writing and the basic functions to live and survive. For a moment,  I was content to just give up and die because everything caused so much pain and took too much effort. Everything became labored, breathing was almost impossible. This may sound overdramatic and to me it does in retrospect, but it is what I felt at the time and in that moment, so I can’t diminish that.

Well, now that it’s been a few months and that I feel that I am on the road to recovery, I feel like I can try to get back to my regular life. I am working again, I am teaching again, and I am taking care of myself to make sure that this doesn’t happen again, but I had a little relapse right now when I tried to write. I froze, it was as though the blank white page in front of me triggered me and I couldn’t write. This doesn’t feel like writer’s block because I can write, I was able to write up my lectures for class. I was able to work on my very very late project proposal (still not done with it though), but when I write, I end up feeling like crap and just give up. I don’t know if this is a need to change up my project a little or if I just need to focus or change my project. I don’t know, what do you do when writing, the one thing that you drew solace from is the one thing that seems to be hurting you the most? I can’t take that much of a break from it because it’s how I get paid and what I am in school for–but I need to find some sort of balance.

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