I originally wanted to do a post about the reclamation of the word “queer.” I wanted this to be an academic post, but this is going to be a little more personal.
I’ve always been more fascinated with how people restart their lives, how they reclaim things around them. I hadn’t been posting regularly because, well frankly I had been depressed. The start of the new semester always does it to me—I get nice and comfortable back on the West Coast with my family and all of the sudden I am pulled back to work and school where I feel incredibly alone.
Someone told me once that he had read an article about how the environment around someone helps alleviate mood. That is the article in the nutshell, but it makes sense. If you are depressed, your things around you start to fall apart and then it ends up being a spiral since you are depressed about your environment falling apart.
Now, my apartment in Milwaukee suits my needs, however it’s dark (not just lack of natural light, but dark wood, faded paint—the building looks sad and worn out) and I was in the process of reclaiming it for my own. It served little more to me than a dorm room.
I’ve started to take ownership of my living space and started to actually care. It’s now decorated (which it really wasn’t when I moved in 2 years ago. The walls were bare) and it feels more like a home. I do need to make the most of my situation here in Milwaukee and really turn it into a home. I’ve become more invested in my environment that I’ve started to neglect my community. I now have a place I can almost call a home (almost a home because there are things that I need to fix/add on/change) but what use is it when I can feel comfortable in my loneliness?
Isolation isn’t a bad thing but homesickness and loneliness are. They lead to melancholy, sadness and I hope it doesn’t lead to depression–
Which is why as much as my apartment is comfortable, I need to spend less time in it. So I went from a spiral to a kind of catch-22. Such is life.